[001] And God said, "Let there be some fucked up Pleasantville bullshit out in the middle of B.F.E. Russia."
Submitted by Hannah (ruby kavalier) on Mon, 2008-10-20 11:20
So I guess this is the part where we all play happy fun introduction time? Okay, fine. If you insist. I'm Hannah. I'm with Janie in that 'Gigantic Mansion of Fucking Doom' or whatever the hell she said is better than Experiment A, but whatever, that's where I spent the last 10 months or so. I don't know about everyone else, but I thought it was a total blast. Like, super awesome, tea parties and kittens every day.
Not.
Anyway, there you go. No one's invited over for tea or any other happy fun socializing activities. I like my privacy and I have a freaking huge dog to help me keep it. Rock over London, rock on Chicago. Heinz, it's America's favorite ketchup.
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Hey, H. You don't mind if I call you H, do you? How're they hangin? You seem cheery. I was thinking heavy drinking at some point as opposed to tea, if you were game. I could get brave and do a long term reading for the town, see if the cards say we're all going to crash and burn faster than you can say 'fucked in the ass by the scientists'.
Only if I can call you J. OMG BFFs 4eva! Dammit, I seem cheery? Thanks for the warning, I'll have to fix that. I'm down for some heavy drinking, though. What is the legal age in Russia, anyway? 18? Awesome.
You know, I don't really want to know what's up in this place long-term. Knock yourself out if you're bored already, but jesus fuck sometimes ignorance is bliss. I forgot my lube back at the house, anyway. Think there's a sex toy shop around here? If not, I think I've found my career calling.
You can call me susan if it makes you happy. BFF. And yeah. Cheery. All warm and inviting and all that. You'll definitely have to work on it. Fucked if I know on the drinking age. Gavin's here, he can by for me. And really, even if it isn't 18, what are they going to do? Fine me? Throw me in jail? That'd be pretty funny.
I didn't see a sex toy shop while looking around town on the way through to my house, so I think that's definitely a huge thing this town's lacking. Oh! You could go door to door and sell shit. Throw little parties...you know there are going to be a ton of people from the experiments, both ours and others that are going to need a good uncorking. You'd be doing a public service. It'd be great. Orgasms for Everyone.
Yeah, but remember that I'm not a people person. Door-to-door is liable to get me shot or stabbed, and I didn't survive Hell House for 10 months just to let some repressed hausfrau do me in while holding a sack of glittery pink vibrators.
Store is definitely the way to go. No kids here, either, so I can have nice, awesome window displays. Call it Orgasms... OR ELSE.
I can think of worse ways to die.
And alright. Open a store. I like the name of it. It's catchy. I'll come buy a ridiculous sex toy that I need instructions in six languages and crudely drawn diagrams to operate. It'll be awesome.
As long as I don't have to draw the diagrams, it's all good. I'll send you a leather gimp mask for Gavin, too. Or you can hang it on your wall, you know, whatever.
Sweet, can the mask look like Strong Bad's? You're such a giver, H. It'll be the best store ever. And hey, you don't have to draw the diagrams. I'm sure there'll be some hapless artist in town, right? They'll need work too. And what better way than to draw diagrams for sex toys?
I'm sure someone on the internet has a Strong Bad gimp mask. I'll work on it and let you know. I know, I'm too good for this world. Someone should canonize me. I'll be the patron saint of bitches and assholes everywhere.
If you find an artist that will do diagrams, you totally need to take me to the consult with you. That'll be a fucking blast.
Out of curiosity, what's the dog's name? And is he partial to a nice bit of steak - if I ever find I have to risk it.
Hello, my name's Nate and I won't take up too much of your time, just thought I'd introduce myself, since I'm one of the various people in town who wasn't part of any experiment. You'll find us around - volunteers here to keep things running, though I'm actually here specifically for you guys. So if you ever want to have a chat, tea, or... whatever. Just let me know.
His name's Anubis, and he doesn't eat anything that doesn't come from my hand. You could try but he'd probably just stare at you like you're a moron. Which you could be, I don't know.
Yeah, thanks, but I don't do teas and chats. I can't believe you chose assfuck Russia as your next do-gooding assignment. I mean, seriously? What the hell do you do? And please don't say you're a fucking psychiatrist, I've had enough of those today.
Anubis - is the name just to increase his grrr potential? And I'll remember to try and look like a moron if I ever come round - just to be ahead of the game. Then you can decide for yourself whether looks are deceiving or not. Of course, maybe you'll write me off immediately just on the basis that I tried. I don't know.
As for what I do - no, I'm not a psychiatrist. I'm actually an human rights lawyer. Which I'm sure you'll probably decide is just as bad. I've long been resigned to my status as satan because of my chosen profession. I have thick skin.
The name fits, we'll just leave it at that. As for me, looks don't matter, sorry.
Lawyer, eh? That's cool. Thick skin means you can drink the kool-aid I'm serving. Do you do anything with regards to finances? Because if so, pencil me in for an appointment, Sparky, I need to get my ducks in a row back home.
Finances would be an accountant dear, I'm more about words than figures, but for kool-aid I'll do almost anything. You've found my weak spot. Shh, don't tell anyone.
I'm talking more about sueing the shit out of someone if I find my finances are fucked. Aren't all you lawyers junkies for a good suit, maybe some vicious name-calling with optional courtroom drama? And it's figurative kool-aid. Dude. Seriously.
you mean there's no actual kool-aid. Damn - I'll just have to go back to straight billable hours then. And yeah, I could probably turn my hand to a bit of court room drama, though finances aren't my speciality. What part of the world would we be talking about here though - I might be able to hook you up with some guys after all of this is done.
Yeah, goddamn those metaphors, anyway. You could always turn to cocaine as consolation. Or hard liquor. Anyway, we're talking San Francisco/Oregon area. Well, maybe just San Fran if the bitch moved. Point is, if you've got a name and a way to guarantee delivery of an email or letter or some shit to your dude on the outside, I'd like to get the ball rolling asap.
Cocaine as kool-aid substitue. Hmm... Not thought of that one. Seems slightly extreme.
I like it.
In the meantime, I'll see what I can do, though word out of here is hard, so I can't guarantee anything. I think they're worried you guys will be leaking shit to the press. I can go over prelims with you though, get facts straight etc so that when you get to go home you can walk off the plane into an office and issue there and then, if you wanted.
I'll hook you up with my dealer, then, you'll love it.
Please, like I want to be followed around by a horde of slavering media hounds. They could just make us all sign nondisclosure agreements or whatever. Personally, I just think they don't want us to go batshit crazy and shoot people up with a shotgun on the outside or whatever.
Anyway, I appreciate it. If I can't get things settled now, I guess the next best thing is to be able to go home and immediately lay the smackdown.
You'd be surprised at what people will do - non-disclosure agreements not withstanding. Some people just go spotlight first, engage brain later (usually when someone like me writes them a very scary letter).
of course, nobody here would be that stupid - obviously they're just underestimating you all. And me all, since I'm under the same restrictions.
Oh please, some people would totally be that stupid. There are always a few (or more, in certain circumstances.) And besides, we're not being underestimated, we're just being kept under wraps because we're all crazy here. All of us. You're either crazy to sign up in the first place or you're crazy to come take care of all the crazies. Lose-lose situation. This is more to save governmental ass than anything else, I'd bet everything they paid me on it. Shit like this going on right under their noses and they never realized? Involving people from around the world? Yeah, you know someone's ass got fired. Multiple someones.
So, you're crazy then? I'll bear that in mind. And you have interesting theories there. Maybe, maybe not - I'll save my theories for somewhere less public.
I'm crazy, you're crazy, it's one big party of crazy down here. Don't fight it, you'll love it. I've had a lot of time to theorize, in between men of science trying to kill me. It was awesome.
So I should just give up and give in and resign myself to the pit of crazy then? What's it like down there? Do they have a good health plan? I'm a sucker for a good health plan.
Probably for the best. The sooner you acknowledge the crazy, the sooner you can start coming to work in pajamas and talking to your best friend, a stuffed duck named Admiral Harold Fishington Billingsworth the third of Zanzibar.
Bad crazy, no health plan. You're crazy, you don't need it. You should also stop caring about personal hygiene while you're at it.
But I like my personal hygiene - it's very important to me. See, I'm not liking the sound of your crazy now. Maybe I'll pass.
I didn't say it was my crazy. I happen to enjoy bathing regularly, thanks.
I'm glad to hear that. I'm sure that Anubis would complain about the smell otherwise. I'd hate to have to report you for animal cruelty.
Anubis is a big tough guy, he can take it.
I'm glad to hear it. I'd hate to think there were problems there. Then again, since you have exceptional personal hygiene, there's nothing to worry about anyway, is there?
I think this conversation has about played itself out. My tolerance for witty repartee does have its limits, you know, particularly considering hygiene and big fucking scary dogs.
Then I'll leave you alone - give me a call sometime if you want to chat legal shit. that's what I'm here for. take care Hannah.
Awesome, I'll do that. Peace out, lawyerman.